I'll cut right to the chase - today has been a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. I really don't know what has been going on with Jackson today, but it's like he's a different kid. From the moment we woke up this morning, it has been nothing but complete defiance and disrespect. We've had bad days many times before - but this has just been different. He is such a challenging child sometimes and it's days like today that I just feel like a complete and utter failure as a parent.
I have a horrible case of Mommy Guilt right now. I'm not proud of myself when I yell at Jackson. I try so hard to keep my cool with him, but today I just hit my breaking point. It was like I felt something snap inside of me and I screamed at him like I never have before. And it didn't just happen once, twice, or three times. I finally lost count by late afternoon. The worst part is even as it was happening, I knew it was the most deconstructive way of trying to get him to listen to me. It's a known fact that children absolutely do not listen when you yell. So why do we do it anyway? I think the answer is we yell not because they've lost control, but because we've lost control. I think we also yell when we're angry with ourselves, not just them. I've been so unbelievably upset with myself today and I definitely don't function well as a parent when I feel like that.
I'm trying to tell myself that tomorrow is a new day and I will do everything possible to make it different than today. In the end, I know it all starts with my actions and my responses to him.
Parenting is hard. So hard.